I am on a mission. This month’s The Atlantic magazine has been completely redesigned. It’s my favorite magazine, and now the cover consists of a bunch of questions (in snazzy fonts) that are answered within its pages.
I just read it from cover to cover, and now I shall answer (with the help of Wikipedia) every single one of these life-altering questions.
Q: IS SCOTLAND A MYTH?
A: I’d like to think so, especially considering that I’m three-quarters Scottish.
Q: WHY ARE ATHIESTS SO FUNNY?
A: Because God made them that way.
Q: ARE AMERICAN PARENTS TOO INDULGENT?
A: This is the stupidest question I’ve ever heard. Two words: OBESITY EPIDEMIC. (Of course, these children just got fat on their own; it’s not because their parents are biologically incapable of saying the word “no.”) And we’re not doing any better up here. Canadian kids are just as fat, and just as stupid, they just don’t have as much access to guns. And didn’t I hear something about moms giving blowjobs to get Hannah Montana tickets for their oversexualized little brats?
Q: CAN YOU AVOID HATING YOURSELF IN THE MORNING?
A: It all depends on who you wake up next to, really.
Q: WHY DOES THE TALIBAN HAVE SUCH GOOD PR?
A: Because Karl Rove writes it.
Q: CAN THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS BE SAVED?
A: No. I’d suggest burning them all down. Well, first you could ask a skill testing question. If you don’t know how many minutes are in an hour (and are allegedly NOT retarded) than you deserve to go down with the ship. I have seriously taught a normal seventh grade class where half of the kids did not know how many minutes are in an hour. See the above question about over-indulgence.
Q: WILL BLOGS KILL WRITING?
A: Absolutely. Hannah Montana has a blog.
For every intelligent blog (like the ones on the Atlantic website, for example) there are fifty million blogs in 100 different languages written by kids who cut themselves while listening to My Chemical Romance. Lots of poetry.
Q: IS GENDER A MYTH?
A: Much like Scotland, gender is completely a myth. I have to go, dinner is in the oven, and Callum is about to beat me with his belt because I burned the stew.